Thursday, June 21, 2007

Missing Home

Home is really where one feels complete and whole.

When you belong to a place, even during times when you are alone, you feel safe happy and satisfied.

The big question is: Why do people leave home? Why do people leave their comfort zone to embark on a journey trudging on foreign soil? Bearing the cold, slumberless night and the scorching heat of the day.

Many will say they had no choice but to do it. Others will say they chose to follow a dream. And yet, still others will say they were born to leave. For whatever reason one has, at the end of it all they were seeking something. Seeking opportunities elsewhere. Seeking realities to their dreams. Seeking to find themselves.

Why does one have to leave in order to find something? Why can't it be that a person stay put, search, find what they're looking for and remain where they are? Is it because that in order to find "that something" one would have to take a few steps. And then a couple more steps. Until before one knows it, they are already far from where they have started?

This is not always bad. Moving forward means that you are doing something. Not necessarily heading towards the right one for you. Knowing that you are not idle can mean something. But knowing that where you are headed towards will lead to to find your way back home (at the right time) gives one purpose.

Having been away for almost four years now. I can say that the journey I decided on was nothing easy.

Financially, it wasn't the hardest of struggles. I have always been blessed with a stable and promising livelihood. I have only been unemployed in the past four years, only for one month at the beginning of my adjustment. And on a few occasions I even found myself being recruited by different companies all at the same time.

Physically, the first two years were something I had learned to cope with. Being away from my family and loved one I learned to give myself intangible hugs. I've learned to take care of myself. Travelling alone to and from my activities increased my confidence in myself. I have learned to rely on myself to take me where I wanted to be at that particular point in time. It was a struggle having to adjust from having everyone back home within the proximity of about an inch away. And then suddenly here in this new place, an inch away and even up to a few hundred inches away, I still just had myself. Alone.

Emotionally and Spiritually, was the hardest challenge of it all. These are actually still an ongoing process for me now. I am still away from home. I am still trying to learn all the sections under this subject of life. I have come a long way from when I made my first step. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. Only on a few occasions do I wallow in my alone-ness. I can say I am a bit used to this feeling of being far. But one can never fully adjust to being away from that place called home. One can temporarily forget. Or one can temporarily consciously choose to occupy every conscious minute. But deep within that void will always shout out for that need to be filled.

I am learning the ropes of independence. And if I were to choose what that one most important thing that one really gets out of this whole circumstance is that : every single one that's physically away from home establishes a deep relationship with oneself. Because one only thing that I realised that which will always be constant in this changing world: is the presence of my self, for myself when I need myself. No one else. Not for that moment in time. Not for this particular moment. I will only have myself to count on. Surely I may be surrounded by many people, a number of acquaintances, a few good friends. But at the very end of the quiet day, I only have my "thinking" self. My "feeling" self. My only self.

Just like with anything in excess, I think missing home in moderation is good. It teaches one the basics of survival. It encourages deep thoughts and a strong sense of self. Exercises healthy freedom.

Anf just like with anyone that belongs to a family, there is a healthy level of distance and separation duration. One's individuality will not be fully developed or found when one cannot establish their place in the bigger picture belonging to a whole or belonging to a family or a home. Each person needs to know, remind themselves that they are part of a bigger picture in life called : Family. Home.

After each long journey in life, one needs to re-connect themselves to where they started. It is like a full life cycle, where one commences and ends the journey at that one particular place. Just like anything that needs to be bound together, or anything that needs full understanding of the present, or full understanding of the self, one must re-collect the past in order to make sense of the future. Same as with all successful and meaningful journeys. You trace your steps backward and remind yourself of your whole purpose of being.

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